out for the count


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Friday, December 27, 2002

Because you can't, you won't, and you don't...stop

Last night, I went out and got pretty tanked. It didn't take long before I was shooting pool with strangers. I played a couple of the best games of my life. Then, I came home and installed a comment button while seeing double. Drinking apparently brings out the little genius inside of me. What's the deal?

Since I couldn't go to sleep last night (my world was spinning if you must know), I started watching some German opera with subtitles. "Real love comes only to those who can afford it. One can not be full with only love at the table." I remember thinking "Am I reading this right? Does it really say that?" What the hell kind of love story is that? All PC and truthful. People want to be lied to. You can't just go around telling everyone that love won't fill your belly or keep you happy and healthy. The twisted German who wrote that little dose of reality obviously never read any Grimm Brothers. The "happy ending" was conceived in his own back yard and there he is disappointing the drunk innocents who decide to watch PBS at 3 am on Friday mornings.

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

It should be illegal to make me wake up this early.

My mom came down yesterday and brought me my presents since I won't be home for Christmas. She asked me not to open them 'til Christmas Day. Ha! What are we, suckers here? Among them - the shiny, new Sonicare that I asked for. I was very excited. As you can imagine, my Sonicare and I are already well acquainted. I know you're jealous, but not everyone can handle a toothbruth that comes with its very own instruction manual. "DO NOT use while bathing." My heartless accessment of anyone who would use an electronic toothbrush in the shower: people this mindless should be removed from the gene pool immediately. Please let them proceed without interference. We can't have these people reproducing.

Speaking of mindless, I finally took care of my financial hold at UF and was able to check my grades this morning. Needless to say, my 4.0 packed its shit and took off. That may have a little something to do with my pissy mood this morning.

Off to work...

Friday, December 20, 2002

Medium Pimpin'

I just got home from work and I'm utterly exhausted. But before I go to sleep, I have a little story for you, Emily...

Tuesday, this guy came in the store and asked me to help him pick out a present for his sister. We had been browsing around looking and talking for a little while when he said something to me that I didn't quite catch. I said "Pardon?" and he repeated himself, but I still didn't hear. So I said "Huh?" and he repeated himself a second time. Still didn't hear him. Then I said, "Speak into my good ear, Sonny." He sat there for a second, looking very confused, and then burst into hysterical laughter. At this point, I was a bit embarrassed because he was laughing so loudly that everyone in the store was staring at us and I had no idea what was so funny. He finally calmed down and said "Man, I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Sorry 'bout that." Picking up a bracelet, I replied "No worries. Do you think she'd like this?" He was very attentive the rest of the time he was in the store.

Skip to today when I was doing shipment in the back room. Annya came in and told me there was a man waiting for me at the counter who had asked for me by name. To my surprise, it was that same guy who had laughed at me on Tuesday. He asked if we could talk for a minute outside the store. We walked out the door and he began to explain. "This is gonna sound wierd, but I've been thinking about you ever since I was in the store the other day...and...well...I was wondering...if...maybe you'd let me take you out some time. I know you're at work and everything...and that this is a bit...aukward...and..." I smiled, but I was speechless and the only thing that I could force out of my mouth was "Why?" His face softened and he said "Nothing better in this world than a girl who can make you laugh. Plus, you're cute as all hell." (Enter body double to blush and batt eyelashes.)

Morals of the story:
1. I'm cute.
2. Hide yo' hizzos cuz I'm a piemp by blood, not relashon...
3. Sometimes cheesy pick-up lines are not only acceptable, but charming.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

I forgot to say how I even woke up in the first place. My sister called. It seems that my father moved from Greenville and bought land "smack dab in the middle of nowhere." He now lives on ten acres about an hour north of Greenville in complete isolation. For those of you who don't quite understand what I mean by "complete isolation," Greenville, TX has a population of about 3,000. The local teenagers hang out in parking lots on the weekends for lack of better things to do. The biggest thing that happened in the town all year was the arrival of Greenville's very own Taco Bell. And he lives AN HOUR away from that. You see what I'm getting at here?

Things I must remember to bring when I visit my father this year:
1. Tons of books
2. Tons of music
3. A case load of mind-altering substances, Hunter S. Thompson style.

You can take the bum out of the lazy, but you can't take the lazy out of the bum.

I woke up at 4:00. Four in the pm! I'm a bit shocked myself, but I would like to say in my defense that I was up until 8:30 this morning studying for my last final. My anthro final is tomorrow, after which I can resume my regular life of time-wasting and procrastination. Naturally, I'm very excited.

My horoscope today said that I have my own problems and that I may tell people who wanted to complain that they should go elsewhere to whine. Who's the genius behind such infinitely insightful wisdom, you ask? Why, Kelli Fox, of course. Thank you, Kelli Fox, for this stunning new perspective on my life. All this time, I didn't realize that I had difficulties of my own. It's high time that I start considering a career as internet psychic extraordinaire. Nevermind that I'm not psychic. Certainly, I could do a much better job than Kelli Fox. Susi, you're with me on this, right?

I'll end this post by saying that I'd like to shake the man's hand who coined the term "pickle tickle." Definitely my favorite euphemism for sex. Yeeeeeah, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

My twisted sense of holiday spirit

What did the quadriplegic, deaf, blind mute get for Christmas?


HAHAHAHAHAHA. Man. I'm going straight to hell.
A vacation from relaxation?

-number of filthy apartments to clean: 1
-number of hours to study: 30
-number of hours to work: 30
-number of long overdue letters to write: 2
-number of animals to care for: 2
-number of animals to bathe: 1
-loads of laundry to wash: 5
-number of hours I'll most likely get to sleep: 20
-number of chores I'm forgetting on this list: too many
-number of weblogs I shouldn't be writing in at present: 1

This week will be a trip into the uncharted territory that I Iike to call "Productiveness." Don't worry folks, I don't plan on staying long.

Monday, December 16, 2002

Travis who didn't like the cold obviously isn't in Gainesville

When I lived in Atlanta, I knew a boy named Travis. Well, his name was actually something like Milton or Alton. He told me one day that he hated his name, so I asked him what name he did like. After he told me "Travis" I never called him anything but. His family moved around constantly, as did mine. Travis told me one afternoon that he was moving to Tallahassee. Since I was moving to St. Augustine, I told him we should probably be friends.

Travis used to tell me stories. One day, Travis explained to me how he controlled the weather. You see, he hated the cold. Hated it so much, in fact, that the cold itself was afraid of him. If he moved up north, cold would leave immediately. If he moved down south, cold would never follow. No matter where he went, it was always warm.

Travis left Atlanta at the beginning of October. On his last night, I ate dinner with his family. His mother made us hand-dipped corn dogs and baked potatoes. We built a fort out of the boxes of packed clothes and dishes and books. His mother reminded me several times that his name wasn't Travis. Travis left the next morning. That night, Atlanta had its first freeze of the winter early in October. I've never seen or heard of Travis since, but every time frost whites the rooftops, I think of him.

Sunday, December 15, 2002

Quite possibly the luckiest girl on earth...

Emily sent me an email that totally made my week and told me about all the SD gossip and offered to help me pay for a plane ticket to Cali this summer.
Susana took me out for my favorite (Mexican!) food and went to the XTC Superstore with me where we proceeded to act like five year old children as we laughed at all the sex toys and picked me up at 3 am when I ran out of gas on 20th and then gave me cigarettes (I know, I know, I quit).
Nate helped me study for chem and taught me how to draw the obitals occupied by metal electrons and picked on me for being poor as he offered to buy me "TP for my bunghole."
Trista yelled at me for walking to the gas station by myself instead of waiting for a cop at 3 am when I ran out of gas on 20th and then gave me cigarettes (I know, I know, I quit) and woke up to drive me to school today so I didn't have to ride the bus to my final.
Kara let me pick on her boyfriend's name (Larby. Hahahaha.) "only because you're Lindsey" and let me go to lunch on the clock and called me three times to try to convince me to go to out in the name of stress relief.
Indigo. Shit, what can I say? Where would I be without her?

How did I ever find such wonderful friends?

Saturday, December 07, 2002

Doin' it up old school style

Last night, my boys had a bon fire. Ridiculously enjoyable. Keg beer and Irish carbombs. Friends I've known half my life and friends I feel like I've known half my life. No drama, no fights, no bitching. Laughing and joking. Rosy cheeks and sweaters with flip-flops. And as if that wasn't enough...Prescott fell in the fire and I convinced him walk around with his hand in a bowl of milk for an hour. Yessss!

Thursday, December 05, 2002

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

In an effort to quit smoking, I went to the store yesterday and bought four bags of sunflower seeds (I've tried gum. Don't let them fool you into thinking that works.) That's when all the problems started. My tongue and the sides of my mouth are completely raw. I feel like I've been chewing on high grain sandpaper. Sunflower seeds are messy. I keep finding random shells all over my apartment. Who the hell knows how they get everywhere. I just lost a sunflower kernel in my keyboard. Instead of smelling like smoke, I smell like sunflower seeds and spit. Gross. I have to rethink this whole plan. In the mean time, Steve, send me some Doublemint.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

My roommate's cat is driving me crazy. She follows me around every minute I'm at home. She's constantly in my face. Every morning, I wake up with her curled up on my stomach or nestled against my shoulder. She purrs me to sleep every night. You'd think she wants some privacy, but she doesn't. Right now she's sitting on my desk mezmorized by the moving cursor. (The pointer could keep her busy for hours. If I really want to impress her, I can scroll up or down.) I've tried to explain to her that I'm not her mommy and that she belongs to Trista. But she just says "Not uh, you feed me and water me and pet me." And what can I say to that?

Did I tell you about how Trista convinced me to buy her condoms the other day? Yep, that little shit. It was at one of those places that keeps the condoms behind the counter. So, I went up the counter with my other purchases and waited until the store clerk was done ringing them up before I told him that I needed the condoms. By that time, I felt like I was in a fucking sitcom. There were twenty guys behind me in line wearing goofy grins. And there I was: "Yes sir, the Lifestyles. Ultra-sensitive. Spermicide. Yes, the biggest pack you have." Not that buying condoms in a college town like this is rare, but I didn't appreciate the I-know-what-you're-about-to-go-home-and-do smirk on the face of the guy waiting beside me. And as I walked away, he winked and said "Have fun." How tacky.